Our Adoption Journey: Meet Johnathan

                                           


Alex and James came to us on April 29th. At our first visitation for Alex & James we discovered their biological mom was pregnant and due in 2 weeks, but by the next visitation she had already had the baby. Johnathan was born on May 5th, 2005. He was placed in another foster home straight from the hospital. Daniel and I had some discussion on what we would do if we were asked to have Johnathan join his brothers. Ultimately we decided that if the county allowed us to have both James & Johnathan in our room (in cribs) that we were willing to take him. After all, our family grew from 2 to 4 children overnight. What's 1 more?

Our room with 2 cribs.
Link to crib here.

Once it was decided that Johnathan would move to our home, things moved rather quickly. James was already scheduled for his cleft lip repair so we all decided it would be best to wait until after that was done.  Johnathan was 5 weeks old when he joined our family.

He had already been diagnosed with allergic colitis due to a milk allergy and was on prescription formula. We were able to have this formula shipped directly to our house. He continued to have difficulty with vomiting and diarrhea, as well as being very fussy. 

Johnathan-3 months, James-15 months

                                                             Link to double stroller here.

In many aspects, having James and Johnathan was a lot like having twins. Even though they were 12 months apart in age, James was behind in development and growth. James had multiple in-home early intervention therapies: occupational therapy, physical therapy, developmental therapy, feeding therapy, and eventually speech therapy too. Johnathan was able to benefit from these services as well.

Johnathan-1 year, James-2 years
Link to high chair here.

The boys had weekly visitation with their biological parents until the end of the year. The family court case continued, with the plan eventually going from reunification to adoption. We were identified as prospective adoptive parents since we had filed for defacto parents early-on. Alex & James were on a different timeline than Johnathan, since he came into care after they did. The boys also have Indian heritage so that required extra steps (tribe notification of court dates, possibility of tribe taking jurisdiction or placing the children with an Indian heritage family). 

And we began looking for a BIGGER house!

Our Adoption Journey: Meet Alex & James

The county social worker had described the boys as: Alex is a very quiet 2 year old with curly red hair and big blue eyes and James is 12 months old and was born with a cleft lip and palate. 

We arrived at the other agency and waited until the other foster mom came in with Alex and James.  Alex was really quiet and just walked around the room, trying to avoid making eye contact with anyone.  The foster mom handed James to my husband and there was an instant bond.  She spoke mainly Spanish and since Daniel was also fluent in Spanish she gave him the instructions.  James ate from a special bottle and could only eat pureed foods.  She also gave us the file that she had on the boys with the upcoming medical appointments and any information she had collected.  

I ended up driving home because the moment Daniel met the boys, it became "real" to him and he was overloaded with emotions. During the car ride home, the only word Alex said was "car" as he was pointing to the other cars passing by. James was completely silent and I kept checking on him because I had never been around a baby (or 1 year old) who didn't make any sounds. 

We came home and met with our social worker in the afternoon to go over the paperwork and the folders, which was all new to us.  We had to log whatever items came with the boys (mostly clothing), but I remember it wasn't much. We would have to schedule the boys for physicals within 30 days and have the physician fill out the necessary paperwork. We were given the information on visitation, which was ordered for 2 hours a week.  The social worker would contact us to schedule it once he was in contact with the biological parents. 

Since it was our son's (DJ) 13th birthday we enjoyed a small family celebration that evening.  DJ commented, “They’re not leaving us.  We’re going to keep them forever.”  I reminded him that although we were hoping for that, nothing is certain with foster care and we needed to keep an open mind.  Boy was he insightful! Looking back, I remember it being a very emotionally draining day.  I can only imagine what it must have been like for the boys.  

Within the first few days, the boys started bonding with us.  Alex became more comfortable, and even began calling us “mommy” and “daddy”, probably because he heard our older children call us that.  We were getting accustomed to James’ feeding and sleeping schedule, which reminded me more of a 6 month old than a 12 month old.  James began physical therapy and the therapist gave us exercises to start at home.  We also had an appointment with UC Davis’ Cleft Palate Panel and James was scheduled for his first surgery to repair his lip and insert tubes in his ears.  We were given information on several resources as well.

We went to the first visitation and, to my surprise, found out that their biological mom was pregnant and due within 2 weeks.  However, by the second visitation a week later, she had delivered another boy, Johnathan, who had also been placed in foster care.  My husband and I had several discussions regarding whether or not we could take Johnathan if one of the social workers asked.  The only way it would work for us was if we could have the 2 babies in our room.  We decided that if we were allowed to have them both in our room, that we would agree to take him.  No one contacted us so I decided to bring up the question with our social worker.  It took several weeks, but it was agreed that we could have Johnathan join his brothers in our home (after James' cleft lip surgery).  By that time, he was 5 weeks old.  Overall, he was healthy, although we were told that he had allergic colitis due to lactose intolerance.  

 

Our Homeschooling Journey

As most of you know, we have been homeschooling for the past 16 years, in some form or another.  We began our homeschooling journey when our oldest children, DJ and Adriana, were entering 5th and 3rd grade respectively. We chose to homeschool through a local charter school and it was a good fit for us. In 8th grade, Adriana decided she wanted to go to public school and we agreed. Our neighborhood was opening a brand new high school the following school year and our schedule was getting increasingly busier with the addition of our three boys. Adriana attended public high school and went on to graduate from there, while DJ graduated from the charter school. Both were the right fit for each of them.

DJ graduation 2010

Adriana graduation 2012

Since our younger boys all had special needs and required a lot of therapy, they were all enrolled in public school for preschool and their early elementary years. We went on to adopt again in 2008, this time a baby girl. In 2010-2011, we were having a lot of IEP meetings with the school district to communicate the needs of our boys. There just seemed to be a lack of understanding from the administrators and the particular teachers that year, as well as denial that any of what we were saying as parents could be true. The boys would come home from school so overstimulated that we would end up dealing with behaviors until bedtime. For one of our boys, we were finally able to get more supports by the end of the school year, but we were told those supports would be scaled back the following school year. We had enough and decided to homeschool the boys the following school year. We felt that it was important to let the boys finish out the current school year, as they only had a couple of weeks left.

In the Fall of 2011, we began a new journey of homeschooling. We decided to homeschool our boys independent of a charter school and filed an affidavit with the Board of Education. In our state (California) we were required to keep attendance. Of course I kept all of their school work too in case there was any question of if we were really “doing school”. We began by exploring themes and creating projects as we were learning. Lots of hands-on fun! You can check out our posts on the ladybug life cycle, the solar system, ocean diorama, fun with flubber, ocean diorama, killer whale costumes, and much more! We also did a lot of practicing our social skills, from learning how to order meals at a restaurant to exploring local museums. We concentrated on toileting skills as none of the boys were toilet trained yet. Yes, even in grades 1st, 2nd and 4th. We also found a great program called Autism Center for Excellence (ACE) for children who are on the autism spectrum. It was at Sacramento State University which was only 30 minutes away from our house and Alex began attending 3 days a week. Since James still had an open cleft palate despite 3 surgical repairs, he required intensive speech therapy. We had him attend the Maryjane Rees Language, Speech and Hearing Center at Sacramento State University for a semester. Unfortunately he was also diagnosed with selective mutism and anxiety, so he would not speak outside our home or to unfamiliar people. It's incredibly difficult to do speech therapy with a student who refuses to speak!

Early days of homeschooling.
Link to white board.

During that first year of homeschooling independently, we happened to move. Since our boys still required additional therapy, we sought help from the new school district. We went through the IEP process and were granted services under an ISP (Individual Service Plan), since we elected not to enroll the boys in school. We found this to be very helpful and I accompanied the boys to speech and OT at the local elementary school. That only lasted a year as we moved again.

Then came the educational experience of a lifetime...a cross country trip during the summer of 2013. We were on the road for 2 months and were able to visit locations such as Yellowstone, Mount Rushmore, the arch in St. Louis, Niagara Falls, Statue of Liberty, Washington D.C., Myrtle Beach, Disney World in Florida, the Riverwalk and Alamo in San Antonio, TX, and the Grand Canyon. During the school year prior to this trip, we studied US History so the kids would have some background information. We even took part in a postcard swap where we sent 49 post cards from our state (California) and received post cards from a family who had been assigned to each of the other 49 states. As each post card was received we colored in the state it was from on a map of the United States. The kids looked forward to checking the mail everyday for a new postcard.

We continued homeschooling for the next 2 years as our family expanded again. This time with a girl and a boy! Social worker visits, doctor appointments, family visitation, and more therapy for the youngest 2 did not leave much room for homeschooling.

Rissa working with PT.
Link to balance blocks.

Then Joey received a diagnosis of autism and ABA (Applied Behavioral Therapy) sessions were added multiple times a week, in addition to speech, OT and feeding therapy.

Joey working with ABA therapist.

James began receiving services for speech and OT through our local school district (different school district). Alex and James attended a social group once a week (separately). Before Rissa turned 3 we had several meetings with our school district about her transitioning to preschool and we decided to also enroll the boys in public school. We worked with our new school district to assess all three boys and conduct IEP meetings. Alex was now in high school, James in junior high and John was in his last year of elementary school.

     

We decided to continue homeschooling Amada due to her anxiety, but with the support of a charter school. We soon found out that the grade level curriculum, especially for reading and writing, was too difficult. We requested that Amada be tested for an IEP. Right before Christmas break it was determined that she qualified for an IEP and would begin receiving speech and resource support. We began using curriculum more geared towards her level and needs. Because school was much more challenging now, it became increasingly difficult for Amada to focus and actually complete her school work. We debated having her attend public school the following year, but she was adamant that she did not want to. 

The boys were adjusting well to public school for the most part, with the exception of Johnathan's behaviors.  More IEP's and the addition of a mental health counselor who came to our home were necessary. Despite being turned down for Alta California Regional Center at least 3 times, we persisted and had Johnathan tested by a Neuropsychologist. This testing revealed that Johnathan had an intellectual disability, just like Alex and James, and was eventually deemed a client of the Regional Center.  

The following Fall, Rissa began attending Center Preschool, a full inclusion preschool. After several months it was apparent that her anxiety was worsening, so we decided to keep her home until after the Winter Break. Then when she returned, I attended with her to give her some security and share clues about her with the instructors. We also began seeking treatment from The Attach Place in the form of neurofeedback.  Her anxiety began improving!

In the Spring, when Joey turned 3 and also began attending Center Preschool. I was no longer able to attend with Rissa because of Joey's behaviors, but he became her security person. It was also decided that he needed to have an aide that would work him 1:1. This worked out nicely and I was able to dedicate more time to working 1:1 with Amada at home.  We decided to continue with the charter school another year. 

Fast forward through an entire school year which brings us to the present. With Rissa entering Kindergarten in a couple of months and Amada needing much more support than I can give her, we decided to enroll them both in our local elementary school. This will be the first time in over 15 years that I am not homeschooling in any capacity! And can I say that I am looking forward to it. I realized this summer that there is no need to scour curriculum, get my ordering done early in order to be on top of the planning, etc. and it is marvelous! I will however be attending a lot of IEP meetings throughout the year since all 6 children (currently living at home) require them.

Please let me know if you have any questions and I will gladly answer them.

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A Sweet Deal

The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption has been a resource we have used many times during our four adoptions, as well as when we were running our adoption support group.

This weekend they are offering a sweet deal (pun intended) that raises money for the foundation.  I understand not everyone can be a foster or adoptive parent, but this is one way you can help support children in foster care.

Thanks for your support,
Nicole

We want to wish all the dads out there a Happy Father’s Day! The impact you make in your children’s lives each day is immeasurable.

Every year, Wendy’s celebrates dads during Father’s Day Frosty Weekend. With every Frosty sold this Saturday and Sunday, participating Wendy’s will donate 50 cents to the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption so we can help children in foster care find the dads (and moms) they deserve.

So why not celebrate the dads in your lives with a good treat to help a great cause?

That’s one sweet deal.

Best wishes,
The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption

Diverging DeLeon's

When we first came up with the name Diverging Lives for our blog, many people questioned it.  In this post, I hope to help you understand the name of our blog and get to know us a little better.  

To diverge means to extend in different directions from a common point, or "branch off".  All our lives we have done things differently, aka diverged from mainstream.  It hasn't always been by choice, but it has worked out for the best for our family.  

• I graduated high school after my sophomore year and received my driver's license and my marriage license on the same day.
• Daniel was the first of his 5 siblings to graduate from high school. 
• We married young (Nicole was 16 and Daniel was 20).  We will be celebrating 22 years of marriage this month.
• Daniel struggled with substance abuse issues for the first 5 years of our marriage.  God granted us a miracle and that is a whole other story.  Needless to say, Daniel will celebrate 17 years of being clean & sober this August.
• Our first child, DJ, was born on our 10 month anniversary.
• Our second child, Adriana, was born 2 years later.

For the next 7 years, we followed along the path that everyone was taking.  We were both working full-time, our kids attended public school, played soccer and little league, and we attended church regularly.  Until...

• I became extremely ill and was in the hospital off and on for several months.  The only thing I could do was lay in bed with my eyes closed due to the severe headache I had.  I couldn't even get up to use the bathroom.  The doctors could not figure out what was wrong with me and finally diagnosed me with aseptic meningitis.  Up until this diagnosis, we were told there was a 95% chance I may have CNS lymphoma.  

This experience definitely made me re-evaluate what was important in my life.

• I became completely disabled from my occupation as a Medical Assistant.  Daniel was working nights for a local grocery store chain.
• We decided to begin homeschooling DJ and Adriana. They were in 5th and 3rd grades. 
• We bought our first home. 
• We spent more time as a family, going on field trips and discovering together.
• We became more involved with our church and the recovery ministry.
• God called us to become foster parents, to be an advocate for those who didn't have one.
• Daniel opened his own roofing company.  
• We bought our second home which was twice the size of our first home.  We also traded in our minivan for a 12 passenger van.
• We went on to adopt all 4 of our foster children, making us a family of 8.
• When the economy declined, Daniel had to close his roofing business.  He went back to school to get his license to become a Drug and Alcohol Counselor.

Due to our younger children's extra needs, we felt it was best to allow them to access the special education services from our local school district.  However, after navigating the system for about 5 years it wasn't meeting our children's needs and we decided to homeschool again.

• We have completed 2 years of homeschooling our younger children and it was the best decision we could have made on their behalf.  It is incredibly difficult and time consuming, but the children are doing so much better.  
• We are now in the process of short selling our house.
• We are debt free (& after the sale of the house we will truly be debt free).
• We own a 28 ft. travel trailer and have decided to take a 2 month trip cross-country with our 4 younger children.  There is no better way to learn US History than to experience it. 

Who knows, maybe this will become our new lifestyle.  Make sure you sign up to receive our blog updates by e-mail so you can follow along as we experience the United States this summer.

Nicole

Birthday Princess

Today our youngest {Princess Amada} turned 4 years old!  Where has the time gone?  It's hard to believe that 4 years ago today we didn't even know she would be joining our family.  We received the call and picked her up from the hospital all in the same day...December 14, 2008.  And my heart melted.

Amada - 4 years old

Birthdays are very important around our house.  Since we have a large family, we want to make sure that each of our children have that "special day".  Amada went shopping to pick out a new outfit.  We decided not to have a large, organized birthday party this year.  Instead I wanted to take her to Build-a-Bear Workshop with just the girls...mommy, grandma, Adriana (big sister), and Ashley.

None of us had ever been to Build-a Bear so we weren't quite sure what to expect.  Amada needed some coaxing to pick out her bear.  She is a little shy, especially in new situations, so I wasn't surprised.  We also picked out a giggle sound for her bear.  She helped with the stuffing.

{So precious!}

They really have thought of everything.  Next you need to give your bear a heart.  

Rubbing the heart to keep the bear warm.

Patting it to start the heart beating.

I think she had her rub the heart on her belly next, so the bear would never be hungry.

Kissing the heart so the bear will always feel loved.
{Amada wanted big sister to kiss it first.}

  

Then you place the heart inside the bear.

Here is her completed bear!  It's so perfect...her favorite colors are pink and purple.  Next you name your bear and Amada chose the name "kitty".  

Giving the bear a bath to get rid of any leftover fuzz.

Lastly, typing her name for the bear's birth certificate.

She also picked out an outfit {an Aurora princess dress}, a pair of pajamas, and a stroller for her bear.  It is a little pricey for a stuffed animal, but it was a fun "memory making" time.  And I am sure we will be back for more.

Then it was back home for dinner, cake, and presents.  You'd never know it's almost Christmas though...

Sleeping Beauty DVD {Aurora is her favorite Princess although she has never seen the movie.}

A dancing fairy musical jewelry box.

Pretend sugar cookie baking set by Melissa & Doug.

She also received a couple of new outfits from grandma; one with a very cute, pink, sparkly vest.

She requested a Cinderella cake.

And now it's time for bed.  Happy Birthday Princess Amada!  {She is already talking about her "Five Birthday".}

How do you celebrate your children's birthday?  

~Nicole~

DeFacto Parent Status

If you are someone who is taking care of a child who has been declared a dependent of the juvenile court (i.e. foster child) and you want to be more involved in the child's court case, you may want to consider applying for de facto parent status.  If your wish is to proceed towards adoption then I definitely recommend applying.

What is a "de facto parent"?

You may be a de facto parent if:

• The child is a dependent of the juvenile court.
• You are or have been taking care of the child every day.  
• You have been acting as the child's parent.
• You are meeting (or have met) the child's needs for food, shelter, and clothing.  You have also met the child's need for care and affection.

No law says exactly what a "de facto parent" needs to be.  Judges make the decision.

There is also nothing in writing as far as the time frame of when you can apply for de facto parent, but typically the child should be in your care for 4-6 months.

How do I apply for de facto parent status?

You will need to fill out form JV-295 which is the De Facto Parent Request form, as well as form JV-296 which is the De Facto Parent Statement form.  

On form JV-295 you will need to fill in your name, address, phone number, name of the child, and case number (if available), then sign and date.

On form JV-296 you say why you think the judge should decide that you are a de facto parent.  Be sure to include information like:

• How long you have cared for the child.
• What you do with the child.
• What you do for the child.
• How much you care for the child.
• What you know about the child's special needs, desires, and hopes.
• How you can meet the child's needs.

Rights of de facto parents:

• To be present at dependency hearings.  This is also your right as a caregiver, but as a de facto parent you are able to sit at the round table and be involved in the discussions rather than sit in the back of the court room as an observer.
• To be represented by a lawyer at your own expense.
• To present evidence and cross-examine witnesses.
• I was also told that if the placement of the child is contested (by a relative) and you have de facto parent status, that gives you equal standing with a relative.

Our experience:

Since all six of our adoptions were children who were residing in our home as foster children, we sought de facto parent status and it was granted.  We filled out forms JV-295 and JV-296, but we also included pictures of the child interacting with various members of our family.   

You can also attach letters from others who know you and the child.  Our children were all quite young when we filed for de facto parent, so we had our current foster family social worker write a letter on our behalf and included this with our forms.

When filing our forms, we went to the family court building in-person to file.  Depending on which county you live in, your court clerk's office may require you to fill out form JV-510 and serve copies of the request forms on all parties of the case. In Sacramento county we did not have to do this.  

We always made it a point to attend court dates for the children to see first-hand where the cases were headed.  Because we did this, we were usually more informed than the social workers.  *Smile*

Depending on the case and if the biological parents are involved, if you are declared de facto parent, you might also be able to obtain educational rights of the child.  This is especially important if the child has special needs and is on an IFSP or IEP.  Most of our children's adoptions were finalized before this became an issue. However with our last adoption, the biological parents were refusing to sign the forms that would allow the children to receive the services they needed and the judge did grant us educational rights. Again, we showed up to every court hearing and kept an open line of communication with the children's attorney.

*This information in this post is specific for the state of California.  If you reside in another state, please check with your state's court system.

~Nicole~

Guest Post on See Jamie blog

See Jamie blog shared our adoption story last week and I just happened upon it.  Won't you click on over to check it out?  I connected with Jamie on Twitter since we are both adoptive mamas and she asked if I would mind sharing our story.  So I did.

Shhh...don't tell anyone but I am like a giddy school girl right now because this is my first {guest post}.

~Nicole~

Therapy Thursday: Handcuffed By The System

Each week I will post about some type of therapy we use, who recommended it, and the reason we are using it.  Remember, I am not a licensed therapist and I am sharing our experiences. We would love to hear your stories also. Please feel free to let us know in the comments!

Handcuffed By The System

We, as parents, want the best for our children right?  Well what do you do when you've tried your best but it still isn't enough?  Our 7 year-old son, Johnathan, was placed in our home as a foster child when he was 5 weeks old.  We requested he be placed in our home because we also had his 2 biological brothers.  We eventually went on to adopt all 3 boys (that's another post), but the story doesn't end there.  We always knew the boys were placed with us for a specific reason and that we were "called" to be advocates for them, but there was no way of knowing in what capacity that would be.

Alex and James both had extra needs, although at the time all we were aware of was speech delay, cleft lip and palate and motor delays.  They were both receiving various weekly therapies.  In fact, James had his first surgery to repair his cleft lip the week before we welcomed Johnathan.  We were told that Johnathan had allergic colitis and was doing better since he was switched to a hypoallergenic formula.  During the first year and a half Johnathan was meeting all of his milestones a little late, but still considered to be in the average range (i.e. walking at 14 months).  He was such a cute baby and received smiles from everyone!

Johnathan (1)

Soon after Johnathan's adoption was finalized (at the age of 2 1/2) we became concerned that he was not progressing as he should developmentally.  We also noticed that he would cry inconsolably for hours and truly not know what he wanted or needed.  He was constantly on the go and didn't sleep much.  He began therapies for speech and OT.  We consulted a neurologist who, after some testing, thought Johnathan had PDD-NOS (a mild autism spectrum disorder) and may have been exposed to substances prenatally, as well as gave him a diagnosis of mood disorder.  He was started on a mood stabilizer and life became more manageable, for a while.

Fast forward 5 years.  We have been treating with several different psychiatrists (as dictated by insurance) for the last 3 years.  Johnathan has had periods of time where he has done better than others.  He has officially been diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, a mood disorder, sensory processing disorder, and a learning delay.  His kindergarten year was especially difficult for him due to all the stress in a regular classroom and him not being able to articulate his needs.  We did not receive much support from our school district and ended up having 4 IEP's without much progress.  We made the decision to homeschool all of the boys (Yikes!).

This last school year we were able to bring the joy back into learning.  We are able to incorporate self-help skills (such as toilet training), community awareness (by taking many field trips), therapy (fine motor, gross motor and speech) and so much more into our daily routine.  But life is still difficult for Johnathan and in turn he makes it difficult exhausting for those around him.

We had been searching for behavioral support and finally received such help about 6 months ago.  Our behavioral therapist was excited to work with us because we had already done so much research and implemented many strategies on our own.  He basically encouraged us to continue what we were doing.  Then came the dreaded phrase.  You guys are really handcuffed by the system.  The more intensive behavior program that Johnathan would benefit from, he doesn't qualify for.  Why doesn't he qualify?  Because he has never been hospitalized (or even evaluated for hospitalization) for mental health.

I am a very pro-active person and I like to catch things early and cut them off at a more manageable point.  Evidently our insurance doesn't view mental health services the same way.  Things finally became so bad around here that we took Johnathan in to be evaluated.  All it took was a 15 minute question/answer session with a mental health worker and we were granted access to TBS (therapeutic behavioral support).  We've basically only had 1 week of services so far but we are amazed at the amount of knowledge and experience our therapist has.  I think he may even have a set of wings on his back.

Johnathan (7) and I on our recent vacation

Have you ever had to be creative in order to secure services for your child?  How so?  If you have received behavioral support for your child, was it helpful?  What did you learn that made the most improvement?

~Nicole~

Adoptive Parents Whose Children are Experiencing Emotional Illness

What we would like you to know (geared towards providers of mental health services):

1.  We are doing the best we can.  This is really hard painful work.  It is hard to see our children suffering so, and not able to understand the world like most people do.

2.  No parent wants their child to be emotionally ill.

3.  We are experts on our children.  We know them very well.  Listen to us.

4.  Don't promise us things you can't provide, or promise us that others will provide them.

5.  It is hard to tell our story to the outside world.  Be gentle with us.

6.  We are grieving for lost hopes, dreams and ideals which haven't or won't be reached.

7.  We are tired and sleep deprived.  We are exhausted.

8.  We are isolated.  There aren't many people who understand, and if they do, they are tired too.

9.  Don't ask us to tell our story in front of our children.

10.  We carry a huge burden as the reporter of what is happening with our child.  After all, there is no blood test for mental illness.

11.  If you say you will call us, call us back.  If we leave a message, call us back.

12.  When you have exhausted all your resources, there is still one left.  It is US.

13.  We will often compromise more than we should.

14.  We are competent, and if we become really competent with our child, it is what experience has given us. We still need you just as much.  Don't punish us because we have gotten so experienced at caring for our children and think we don't need you just as much.

15.  Don't finish our thoughts and sentences.  Don't assume you know what we feel.  Please take the time to ask us and let us talk.

16.  Don't forget that this makes us incredibly sad.  We are grieving and some days we feel very raw with emotions.

17.  Experiences like raising an emotionally disturbed child means we find out who our real friends and supports are.  It means we often have to grieve the loss of someone who we thought was there to support us.

18.  Boundaries - we'll keep ours if you keep yours.

19.  We do battle to meet the needs of our kids, please don't put us in the position to battle you.

20.  You can tell us how hard our job is, but don't tell us to quit.  We are not giving back or giving up on our children.  They have already lost at least one family, their birth family, and we are not going to repeat that experience for them.

*Courtesy of www.nysccc.org

The Road Not Taken

The Road Not Taken

by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

This is my older daughter's favorite poem.  I can see why.  Our family has also traveled (several) paths not taken by most.  From the adoption (via foster care) of our four youngest children, to both my husband and I home raising our children, and now with our decision to homeschool our younger children.  I believe everyone should decide for themselves what is the best for them and not live in fear of what other people may think.  We only have one life to live and we should make the most of it.

The first step

Well, I have been saying "someday" I would start a blog.  You guessed it!  Today I took the first step.  I have to start small.  So, for now, I have a name.  Diverging Lives.  Why did I choose that name?  The definitions of diverging are: 1. to move, lie, or extend in different directions from a common point; branch off.  2. to differ in opinion, character, form, etc.; deviate.  4. to turn aside or deviate, as from a path, practice, or plan.
Well, in a nutshell, that pretty much describes our lives.  This year we decided to home school our younger children, who are adopted and have varying special needs.  It seems like we do everything "off the beaten path", but that's okay with me.